We spent all afternoon enjoying each others company, Trevor made us curry for dinner and then we laid down for awhile. We watched Seinfeld and laughed together and every so often I would have to stop to breathe through a contraction as they were starting to hurt pretty bad even though they were still irregular and they varied in intensity. I was convinced I was having false labour.
At 1:00 am after tossing and turning and trying to sleep a terrible headache came on. The headache was so terrible I could not sleep, the contractions were gone and I couldn't concentrate at all, my head was pounding and I couldn't concentrate on anything. I called the hospital and they asked us to come in right away. Trevor asked me if we should bring the bags, I remember specifically telling him to forget about them and just get in the damn car, he brought them anyway, I drove to the hospital, I remember Trevor trying to persuade me to sit in the passenger's seat but there was no time that, I had to get rid of the headache and fast.
We finally arrived at the hospital and walked into emergency where a lady asked me if I was in labour, I suppose she asked me this because on the way in I had to stop and hold myself on a chair while I clenched my belly and groaned. But I looked her straight in the eye and said "No I have a bad headache so I need to get checked out" She didn't look very convinced and sent me up to the maternity ward anyway. I remember refusing a wheel chair on the way up to the ward but having to stop and hold onto Trevor on the way up. The headache was intensifying and clearly so were the contractions but I could only feel the headache. When we got upstairs I remember the nurse asking if she could check to see how dilated I was, she checked and I was 6 cms, she told me I wasn't going anywhere and called our midwife in. Thank god Trev packed the bags!
Things got blurry here, as active labour turned into transition, I remember my blood was taken for testing of some sort and my blood pressure was found to be very high. I remember how hard it was to stay still when they took my blood and how I begged for them to do it when the contraction was over. They had me lie down in bed and they put the fetal monitor on. I could not stand being attached to that machine but the nurse said it was necessary to make sure the baby was doing alright. I don't remember if they gave me something for my headache or if the contractions just got so bad that they finally masked the headache, but in no time I was sitting in the shower in the middle of transition, the hardest part of labour.
I was focused while sitting on the birthing ball while Trevor held the shower on my back. I remember starring at the wall in the shower wondering how I would get through the next contraction and trying to mentally prepare myself before it came. I kept having visions of breaking through the shower wall with my fist! My midwife came in to check on me and check the babies heart rate, I remember telling her that the pain was so bad, that my back hurt horribly and she reminded me that it was going to get worse. I was nervous for what was to come. After checking the heart rate she checked my blood pressure and decided it was ok for me to be in the shower a little bit longer and with that I breathed a sigh of relief. The shower may have been small but it was comforting and it made me feel safe and warm.
After a few minutes in the shower a very strong contraction came on, I grabbed on to Trevor and screamed, the shower went scalding hot in a matter of two seconds, and it was found that there was no in between, the shower was either scalding hot or freezing cold, I had to get out and go back to the bed. When I got to the bed they tried to get me to squat but the bed rail wouldn't work so there was nothing to hold onto, my mom and Trev's mom arrived at some point when I was in the shower and they began to help. For awhile I laid I leaned onto Trevor while sitting on the bed and my mom and Sue took turns putting pressure and hot and cold compresses on my back to help with the bad back labour I was having. This worked for awhile but my blood pressure had my midwife worried and I was forced to lay down.
Labour got really hard for me here. We tried to go back into the shower but after a trek across the maternity ward (that I refused to put on clothes for!) to the other shower we realized all showers in the ward were scalding hot and I could not go in them. Without the comfort of the water I was falling apart. I wanted it to be over and fast. My mom started telling me that her labour stalled and after having her water broken it sped up and she delivered in a few hours, My midwife checked me and said I was 8 cm's and we could break my water. I agreed and my water was broken. It felt wonderful to get my water broken and labour progressed fast, I dilated completely on one side and ended up with a "lip" on the other side. My midwifehad to pull the "lip" out of the way while I pushed past it which was absolute hell! It was so painful and I really thought I wasn't going to make it through but eventually I was complete! I remember feeling so overjoyed that I had almost made it!
After dilating 10 cms, my labour slowed down and I began to fall asleep, I was so tired. It was 9 am and after doing such hard work for hours I wanted it to be over so I could rest. The contractions slowed down and I drifted off in between. Everyone kept asking if I needed to push and somehow I got it in my head that if I pushed things would progress faster so I told them I did, what a stupid thing to do! I started to push when I had a contraction. It felt so good to push and even though I didn't have the urge I couldn't stop myself once I started. I pushed for two hours while laying down in bed and made no progress.
My mom was getting worried and started to ask for the doctor to come in. I think everyone was getting concerned because I remember my midwife and the nurse whispering above me for awhile. Finally Dr. B came in and checked me and told me I would need a c-section. He said that the baby would not fit through my pelvis and that I was lucky to be in a country where I had the option because in a 3rd world country my baby or I would die. He must have saw the look of sadness and relief on my face. While I was pregnant I knew I didn't want to have a c-section and I thought I would do anything to avoid it but laying their naked on the hospital bed, vulnerable and exhausted I could do nothing but thank him through my sadness. I relaxed and waited while they prepped me and the operating room.
Things are fuzzy again. I remember signing paperwork, I remember drinking a horrible liquid and feeling like I was going to be sick. I remember being moved onto a stretcher and watching the lights down the halls while I cried through my contractions. I was alone with my thoughts on the stretcher, I was terrified for my baby and I. We entered the surgery room and I remember the cold table. I remember having a contraction on the table and wishing I could just push the baby out right there in front of everyone before I would be cut open. They made me sit up for the spinal. I leaned into my midwife while she held my hands and they slid the needle into my back. I did not feel it but I remember the cold numbing sensation that coursed through my body and numbed everything including my heart. I looked over and saw Trevor stepping over wires to get to me, I saw the look of concern on his face and the tears in his eyes. I told him I was terrified and his voice broke when he told me it would be ok. They told me I would feel pressure and that I would not feel pain. I felt the sensation of the scalpel run along my skin, but it did not hurt. I felt the pulling and prodding when the pulled it open I heard them talking about how far down the baby had come and feeling them tug to get it out, finally I felt as they pulled the baby out of me. It felt wrong, I felt sick. I starred at the bright lights and felt them pushing on my ribcage. I knew by the way they were pushing it should hurt and that it would hurt later.
We heard our baby cry, we heard someone say "It's a girl!" I could not see her I could only here her little cry. Trevor cried. I remember wanting to cry and trying to force tears. I waited for this moment my entire life and it was nothing like I imagined. I felt empty in a moment where I should have felt joy. They wrapped her up and passed her to Trevor who was instructed to take her to the nursery. I saw her for a second and kissed her face briefly, it was there we named her Paige Marie.
It took awhile for them to stitch me up. All I wanted was to leave. I wanted to go home and have a normal life and forget that I was there on that table. I wanted to hug my baby girl and nurse her. But I had to wait. I held the image of her little face in my mind. They stitched me up and wheeled me into recovery. My midwife said because I was the only person in recovery that she would try to sneak her in to breastfeed but the nurses wouldn't allow it. I was forced to lay there for an hour, they tried to get me to sleep, to eat but I could not do any of it. I was beginning to panic because I couldn't remember what she looked like, grief was welling up inside me. Finally they said when I could move a toe I could go so I sat and focused on that for an hour and the minute I moved my big toe they wheeled me up to the maternity ward.
I remember seeing my family standing outside the nursery looking in. I felt angry at them that they were all standing there admiring my new baby through the glass for the last hour and a half while I laid in recovery. Trevor was the only person that had held her, he stood in the nursery waiting for me to be out. He said the whole time Paige was rooting, wanting to nurse, looking for me. This still breaks my heart. I don't really remember holding her for the first time. I remember from the pictures I think more then anything. I was so drugged up and tired that it's all a big blur. Paige latched on like a pro and taught me how to breast feed very quickly. She was hungry from the moment she was born and a perfect healthy 7lbs 10 oz, born at 11:53 am on June 28th. We cuddled and I slept and lots of visitors came by to see our beautiful baby girl.
On the second day I was able to take of the bandage and look at my scar. It will be with me forever. A reminder of the whole experience. It has healed now and my heart has healed a bit. We left the hospital on the 3rd day, I had to get away from it all, my mind was still foggy and my heart was still numb, it took weeks to repair. The overwhelming loving feeling that new mothers had explained to me was not there, it was not that I didn't love my baby, because I loved her more then anything and wanted her more then anything, it was that I was in so much pain that I could hardly focus on anything else. Trevor was a big help in the first few weeks while we settled in and every day got better.
When we finally hit about 4 weeks I felt like Paige had been a part of my life forever, we seemed to start to fit together, and that overwhelming proud joy came to me one day while I was watching her nurse. She was lying there peacefully asleep while suckling away and I saw a small smile break from the corner of her mouth and her little hands tightened their grasp around my breast and I knew that we were meant to be together, the overwhelming joy filled in the spots in my heart that I thought were broken forever.
Paige is 13 months old now and she makes me laugh every day! She is a free spirt who is very social and outgoing. She is an amazing little girl who has lit up my life. I cannot begin to explain the overflowing love I have for her.
Oh Sheena, that totally made me cry. Good on you for writing it. Time changes our memories and it is so valuable to be able to keep this story for ever. Paige is a lucky girl to have you as her mum! xx
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