Remembering..

Two years ago today I felt my first contraction, it was a beautiful sunny day and we ate curry for dinner. We laid in bed while watching Seinfeld while I rode the waves of early labour. The beginning of labour was beautiful, just the way I imagined. Active labour was very manageable but transition was a mountain I didn't think I could climb, I managed to climb it but on the other side of the mountain was another obstacle I wasn't expecting to face.

Pea's birth was far from the drug free vaginal birth I imagined and it's taken me a long time to get to a place where I can say that it wasn't what I wanted for her or I- but it has made us who we are today and had I not had a c-section at the end of labour I wouldn't be the mother I am today.

I had originally started this blog because I wrote her birth story, I wrote it at 13 months postpartum when the wounds still felt fresh. I lived it over and over in my head for 20 months until the peace came. Peace and acceptance. I hid the post from my page, because I no longer want to live it daily. Pea's birth shaped us, it physically and emotionally changed us, but it was a small event in our lives together, I see that now, our web of attachment and trust grows daily and the birth becomes a smaller piece that no longer identifies us.

Tomorrow my beautiful girl turns 2 years old. 2 years of joy and love. I remember her birth tonight and I smile because not only did it give me her, it shaped me into the strong attached mother I am today and for those two things I am thankful.